Once Upon A Time, Startover Away From Lib Irrelevant Interference
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Wow. That was fascinating. You should try and get published. Wasn't Wendall Berry a farmer? About that, isn't it almost harvest time? Id think you must be quite busy. Bravo for finding the time to honor us with this gold, before noon too!
I'm impressed. I specifically like how it ends mid-sentance. "I have to...". Leave the reader to decide. Brilliant! Like the lady or the tiger only instead of two choices there's a myriad of possibilities. Did he harvest the crops or take a bath? Did he save the browns board from the icy Marxist fingers of Barack Obama? Or just watch the tube and go to bed? And what of Merlin? I think some things are better left unsaid. Fantastic. Just...really great.
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Well, if you'd stop being sarcastic and liberal emoter a bit, you could tell that
the story says the computer was turned off with Calfox in midsentence.
So, the joke is, the chapter ended in midsentence, because the computer was turned off, like in the story.
It isn't that hard. But you do have to try to be honest and read it. And, not be afraid to just laugh at the jokes.
I know, liberals are not entertained by anything they didn't have control over, persnally, or as a subculture.
If Heck had written it, all the liberals on the board would be LOL, ROF<L, ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!.
But, because they always reject content based on their emtionalism ONLY, you libs hate that
any of us are conservative, and you auto-emote/reject any content whatsoever in that manner.
Which, was my point. You just couldn't avoid it, ignore it. You had to diss it. You proved me right again.
I'm too tired to write chapter four right now. Just got back home. I'll find time for that maybe tomorrow.
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Chaptor Four - Trials and Tribulations
*********************************************
Calfox rode his ATV out to a big maple tree that had fallen down. As he got his chainsaw, after putting his ear protectors, safety goggles, and gloves on,
he began to cut the tree up into chunks. "Those leechey liberal punks would want the government to give them everything, house, booze, drugs, wood,...everything,...
that's why they want higher taxes on everybody else. So the slugs, those evil liberal perverted evil spirit orgs...." Cal muttered to himself, and paused quickly.
"Hey, now I'm getting to talk like Merlin. crap" he said again to himself. And, he reached for his tall glass of root beer on the rocks, in the mug that has
Mark Levin's face on one side, and the U.S. Constitution on the other side, with "Made in China by Dirty Communist Perverted Liberal Weasels" on the bottom.
Oh, for cryin out loud. That is really wrong. Calfox doesn't have a mug like that, and he doesn't have any root beer out the woods. What the hell is wrong
with the author of this story? Oops. Never mind.
The first cut, however, caused movement to his right - further up in the tree, amidst the branches. Calfox thought to
himself "what they heck was that ? " and turned his chainsaw off. As he turned, he looked for whatever had moved. He even did a 360, watching intently
for any movement, or sign of what had just happened. He saw nothing outside of the tree branches, and large main trunk. It was saturday morning,
it was eight o'clock, and already Calfox wondered if he should have gone to bed earlier instead of sitting with his Wife watching this silly 1040's romance movie on tv.
Frowning, he started his chainsaw again, and just before he started cutting up the tree again, he saw the movement again. Chainsaw turned off again, he
quickly turned to his right and saw it. A crow had just lit on the branch a few feet away. "Shoo, you goofy bird. I have work to do.". But, the bird just
stood there, perched just five feet away. "Well, crow, if you were half white, I'd think you were Obamaonazi, looking to tax me for causing global warming.", Calfox
joked. But the crow didn't laugh. Calfox sighed and turned to get a small branch to scare the crow away. As he turned and tried to shoo the crow away from the tree....
"I say, Sir Calfox", said the crow. Calfox threw his chainsaw away forward, and hurled himself back into the branches and leaves of the tree, and frantically tried
to climb up and over the tree. But it was too high, and thick, and he slipped back down near the crow. "Calfox", the crow continued, "It's just me, Merlin. please
calm youself - I must warn you of something of profound evil movement that just occured. The Obamao Great Desctructive Storm looms on the horizon
of your great America. And, thusly, so do the trials, the evil liberal spirits orgs, at fault, begin." Calfox frowned, "That does it. You know what? I'm not listening.
You made me look like a lunatic when I wanted you to come back and meet my Wife, right there, and I looked like a complete fool. So, thanks so freakin
much. So, off with you, or "Beware" yourself lest crow season begins, forsooth, or whatever...... AARRRRGH !"
The crow sadly... no wait, that's wrong, too. Merlin sadly explained that manifesting himself in Calfox's computer monitor made him devastated and weary,
it took nearly all his strength away from his ability to continue his magic. "It is far easier to be a crow. This is quite a minute, miniscule effort compared.
But," Merlin continued, "far more effort than it is for a human being to turn into an evil, selfish, quite emotionally blinded to truth org. They truly are hidous,
evil, putrid and foul of inner un-natural grime, who doth support the wanton murder of the unborn, and many other frightening and devilish perversions of
the worst of mankind. But the easiest of all, is to be a Woodpecker - they are too stupid to let me talk throught them. Oh my but that was quite a sick
endeavor. I will never attempt that again.....But, Sir Calfox, I must tell you, that you are not alone in your quest. But mind, and mind well, the others you must glean
Real Americanism from, are only those who you may trust. Otherwise, trust no one. They are lost, and are loyal to only one - the Dark Lord
of the Knight"..... You must know, bye the bye, that your first trial is a mirage of magical sorts, a danger to yourself and your country,
and a purgatory one. I must go now, so much magic to do, so many places, so much Danger and Dire Consequence of Lies to divert from your quest,
such that you will even have any open door to resolving your quest's goals." Calfox sighed, rubbed his eyes, and said: "Okay, since I'm not lost of my
mind... crap, now you have me doing it.... I have three questions. One, is that "Dark Lord of the Knight with a K", or. "Dark Lord of the Night, with no K"......
Two, how will I know my first real trial, and three, what the heck is a "purgatory one" that I will be dealing with on my first trial?" Calfox quit
rubbing his eyes, and looked around. No crow. no merlin, no answers. Just the silence of the edge of the woods, as he sat down against
the trunk of the tree and tried to clear his mind, and assure himself that he wasn't losing his mind and humanity - and in that, becoming
one of the sickening, evil liberal spirits himself. "What the heck have I gotten myself into. Maybe this is a nightmare, or some ridiculous
fiction story that some scary story author with a goofy sense of humor is writing. "Dammit", Calfox exclaimed, "I think all this needs some time
to sink in. I think it's warping my brain." Words and phrases soared through his mind like a hundred frantic hummingbirds....
"Evil....purgatory one,....Dark Lord.....magical quest,... putrid stinkie Liberal perverted spirits.... trials......hideous danger...leftist orgs...."
Calfox shook his head strongly, as if trying to shake the words out, and stood up to grab his chainsaw, and started it up.
And he actually got to cut wood for a half hour until he ran out of gas. Deciding to take a break, he took off his glasses, gloves and walked to
the thicker brushy part of the tree, and after glancing quickly around to make sure no one else was there, he took a lea.....er... he powdered his nose...
no, no, no. That isn't right. He began to relieve himself, and promptly heard a soft, feminine voice not far behind him.
<INTERMISSION>
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Oh yeah! It's hilarious! Those jokes are top notch! I had no idea you were so funny. It's like: George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Calfox. Seriously, its amazing. More to come soon? Please please please?
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You sure it was Merlin and not Gandalf the Gay?
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Liberal perverted cowards are insanely jealous, aren't they? So sad.
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Chapter Four - Trials and Tribulations (continued)
"Oh, my ! Sir, may I speak with you? It is of great importance.....", said a very pretty young woman's voice only a few feet behind him. "Um... I ...well...
I have to get my finger out of this briar, ahem, just give me a moment, please?", Calfox answered as he tried to finish quickly. The angelic, feminine voice continued,
"Oh, certainly. Oh, my" she continued, "I see that your finger is apparently leaking from the briar..." Sir Calfox heard her giggling at that. He was done, and turned to face her.
There, only four feet from him, was a beautiful girl, golden hair in braids, in a shimmering white floor length dress, lacy with cuffs at her wrists and a sparkle
in her eyes. Calfox was struck speechless at her beauty, and her voice was like the finest wine, and her giggling was as enticing as a sunrise
over a pine forested mountain crest. "I have my finger .....back in fine shape, really sorry - I didn't realize you were there. Where did you come from?
How did you do that?" She smiled a beautiful, amused smile and replied "Oh, it's just a silly girl thing. Are you sure your finger is okay? I could kiss it
and make it feel better....", grinning and teasing him unmercifully. Calfox tried to grin back at her, but he forgot how, he was so stunned at her beauty, and he said
"well, no, I really am fine, and you um.... you....may speak ...you know , with me, and then....eh.... would you like to have a seat here with me on this
tree trunk? It really has gotten quit hot here all of a sudden..." The beautiful young woman winked at him playfully, gave him her hand, and proceeded
to grin to his side and sat down. "So, young woman....person.... I wou... I mean, what is it you need to speak with me about?" She squinted her eyes playfully
at him, and leaned close to him and whispered, "I have been sent here to be your perpective, your counsel on many things, your helpmate on your quest. You see,
Merlin sent me to join you. He said the quest you travail upon, will be an arduous, lonely, and terribly dangerous path for you. i was chosen by him, because
I actually assisted Parsifal on his quests for the Holy Grail. Yes ! It's true. I know of many secret things of adventurous note, and the challenges and mysteries
you will face, you will not have to face them alone. Merlin says to tell you "Beware the Dark Night" once again. Calfox looked upon her angelic face, into her
elfishly beautiful dazzling eyes, and said "Really? Why, that old grouchy wizard is really in tune with who I am as a quest..er moreso than I figured firstly",
he frowned suddenly, at how he said that. The quest was warping his psyche, and he hasn't finished cutting wood at all. "So, what is your name, you know I'm
Calfox, ...and why didn't Merlin tell me you were coming?" She thoughtfully and playfully took his hand, and whispered "My name is Griendielle, and he
decided only after he left you the last time with his last forewarnings. SO, can we talk before out adventures start? What have you found out so far?"
Calfox looked at her thoughtfully, and proudly noted that he had resharpened his own chainsaw chain, and it cut as fast and as strong as when it was new.
"And, I have to cut up this whole tree, so it can dry out and be ready to be good firewood this winter. Work, work, work all day long on the farm, you know.", he
bragged. Griendielle continued, "Merlin told me to tell you not to worry about your wood, he will have his elf-masters finish it for you. Come, let us get to know each other.
Say, let's go for a swim - it is so very hot and humid, is it not?", she said, grinning sweetly at him. "Ha, well, we don't have our fish pond in yet. I have to figure
out how to avoid the marxist scum from passing a law against it. Boy, they would probably demand a fee for a license to dig it, and a fee to fish in it,
AND MY OWN POND??? That sucks. No place to swim. Too bad, My Wife and I would swim, catch some bluegill, and have supper. Well, speaking of that,
I should probably go home now. I'll meet you back here later, and we'll start saving the world from the dreaded, sickeningly evil one and his liberal horde of orgs.
Ha ! That's good, huh? "Liberal HORDE of ORGS?" Boy, sometimes I amaze myself". Griendielle smiled, and said "Let me show you. I'll bet you didn't know this was here....",
and she led him about 30 yards away, just 30 yards deeper into his own woods, and there, right in front of them, was a beautiful tropical pool, whose bank was
ferned and flowered as any tropical paradise. Griendielle then untied her dress, let it fall to the grass, and laughed and jumped into the pool for a swim. She had nothing on. "Come on,
join me ! Then we will call Merlin, and begin your glorious quest !" Sir Calfox just stood there, frozen in time for a few moments. "Why, you, I mean, well, it's kinda...
um..... I....should go take a shower at home. You know, the truth is, I have sweat running in my eyes, and this pool, I can't believe it's here, and you, well, heh.
you truly are really beautiful, but I don't think Merlin would approve, and I really would only swim with my Wife. You know? My sweat would just dirty up that
...er...really clean water.....So......" Calfox stammered.
Griendelle just laughed, and whispered to him, "oh, don't be silly, Merlin never cared before when I've taken a swim, and yes, just like this. But, I understand,
you are already taken. Here, why don't you take your Wife a few of these flowers, and I'll be right here when you get back, and I'll be dressed and ready to go."
Calfox hesitated, and decided that was a fine idea. He walked over to the edge of the pool, and took a few flowers Griendielle had picked from the edge
of the waterfall and bank. "Sir Calfox, your Wife will adore these flowers, They have the most heavenly scent. Smell them..." Calfox did, and then....
he began to feel dizzy, like he was floating through the universe, a universe full of love and promise. Griendielle was talking to him, but he couldn't understand
what she was saying. He focused, and then understood what Griendielle was asking. "So, Sir Calfox, who is the one? Who is the one?" Calfox looked at her,
and the words he didn't know he was saying, came right out: "The one, is the promise of eternal hope and change, the one is the maker of all unfair things
to fair, the love of all, the love for all, the one is joy, and the one cares so much for us. The one is Barack Obama. He is the one" Calfox stood there
in a trance, and the magic of Obama shined through his being like the fragrance of the beautiful flowers. And deep inside, a few moments later,
Calfox was starting to defend his Honor. Then, he regained his hold on reality, and became angry. The flowers' magic had worn off, and he was
himself again. Griendielle pleaded with him, "Sir Calfox, try these flowers, too. You must smell them to know to take them home or not. Smell the
wonderful flowers........." Calfox stared at her, and became even angrier, "What the hell is this? Obamao is the evil sinister Dark Lord, the leader
of scum, the "one" to none. And you are NOT my assistant whatever you said. You are a liar. Who the hell are you?" Griendielle glared at him,
and replied "How did you know? It never fails, I always win with my flowers, and my magic beauty, and my tropical spring. How were you able
to win???" She was angry now. Calfox gave her his most serious Clint Eastwood glare, and said "Number one, there was no tropical spring
here, it must be magic. Two? Your flowers put a sick, twisted Obama Dark Lord spell over me for a few seconds. And Three? I just remembered.....Merlin
would NEVER tell me to "Beware the Dark Night".....with......no....."K"..." As Calfox sternly said that last part, the Tropical Paradise faded away, right
before his eyes. And left there, instantly and completely dressed, was Griendielle. But, she was a centuries old looking, ugly, snarling, Devilish looking,
hideous monster. She was almost so ugly and repulsive as to remind Calfox of Roseanne Barr, not not quite. Calfox turned and puked, and
was frightened by a vision of the old evil woman's green hand reaching almost to his chest, reaching for his HONOR. He yelled, NO, YOU WILL NOT
HAVE MY HONOR !! A THOUSAND PLAGUES UPON YOU AND BEGONE! BEGONE YOU FOUL DEVIL, YOU SICK AND WRETCHED EVIL OF
THE DARK LORD! BEGONE TO THE LAND OF NOTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The evil wtich liberal org sneered at him, drew back, and went to step closer to him.
Calfox reached down, and pulled a small sassafrass twig out of the ground, and tossed it into her face, screaming "BEGONE ! THE MAGIC FRAGRANCE
OF SASSAFRASS SEND YOU AND YOUR DEADLY LIBERAL OBAMA STENCH TO THE LAND OF NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It screamed a mornful scream, and dissapated into thin air. Calfox regained his composure, not understanding how he knew to use
sassafrass to vanquish the evil witch. All was the same as it was. he packed up his gear, and rode his ATV all the way back home. He walked in,
and saw the note his Wife left for him. It read, "Went to the store, please defrost the ribs, remember we have a picnic to go to in two hours".
Calfox desperately hoped she'd bring back more root beer. It had been that kind of a day. He regretted the dangerous, vile existence of those
who worship lies, the vilest of the worst, evil of liberalism and Marxism and Pregressiveism and Socialism and Communism, all of them either one and the same,
or a few of them, being just a giant step toward the other. Calfox made himself some sun tea, and put it out on the porch, and wondered about it all...
and wondered who the dumbass was that put disgusting, smelly Roseanne Barr in his adventure. "Dammit, that idiot shouldn't have done that. I think
I just lost my entire appetite for the entire picnic."
-
Well, that's chapter four.
I don't know when I'll get to chapter five.
Maybe Little Johnny Woodypeckerhead
will have found a lot of political commentary in my story by now.
But the evil liberal orgs never have any Honor about who they are,
and are reluctant to admit or accept any good thing.
I wonder how many goofy chapters are in my story.
Five? Thirty?
Only Merlin knows. And he hasn't shown up on our very cool flat screen monitor again, yet.....@@
-
Nope. No chapter five yet.
I know a few really inteligent folks around here will be disappointed
that the story hasn't continued yet. But, I'm tired, and
I don't how how Chapter Five goes. We'll see sometime later this week..........
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Thing is, one guy dismissed it as Monte Python. well, a few of the jokes and some of the style I got from that.
I think the elderberries thing is, and it's funny to me.
But, he has to remember, that Monte Python's comedy was based on the King Arthur days.
The vast majority of what I was writing goes far, far back before Monte Python.
it goes back to Joseph Campbell's "Hero of a Thousand Faces" -
a brilliant, genius book on his theory about the monomyth in literature.
Once I read that in college, I read it again and again. It's freakin brilliant.
That is where the "Call to Adventure" came from. Chapter Five will refer to that, I just haven't thought
about what chapter five will entail at all. yet. Some of the funny stuff is my own sense of humor, accrued
over many years, with Red Skelton and Tim Conway thrown into the mix to name my favorite all time comedians...
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Chapter Five - Calfox in the Belly of the Whale
Calfox went back to his normal, fun, and hard working life. Each time he got on the computer in a few minutes of idle time,
he kept expecting Merlin to show up on his monitor again. But, not once did it happen during that few weeks of normalcy.
He tried to prepare himself for a new visit, or a new adventure any second, any minute, any hour. But, it never came. He actually
considered himself going a bit nuts, but realized that it was real. He sat back, played some "Call to Duty III" on their WII, and
still couldn't figure out how to take out the blockade with the mortar. Again and again he tried, to no avail. Finally, even he
couldn't keep trying and gave up for the evening. His Wonderful Cute Wife had gone to play cards with the other ladies on
their Ladies Night Out. He fondly recalled when they first started it. His Wife told him she and the rest of the girls were going to
Leno. It actually took him nearly a week of constantly trying to find out what "Leno" was, since his first guess was Jay Leno,
and that wasn't it. She finally laughed once more, and told him it stood for "Ladies Night Out". And Calfox was at his funniest,
albeit not intentionally, when she laughed at the embarrased and perturbed face he made.
So, since he was "baching it"; he decided to go out looking for skunks again. It was about nine pm, very dark, as he walked
out across their fields, watching the night sky. A few "falling stars" flashed, streaming across the sky as fast as a person
could turn and follow with their eyes. A Great Horned Owl hooted off in the distant woods. For all the field he lit up with
his very cool, powerful flashlight, there was nothing moving, no animal, nothing at all. He wondered when Merlin
would appear to him again, and wondered if Merlin was okay, and if his adventuring to uphold his Honor, and helping
save his country from the Dark Lord of Marx, was over. After all, he was successful in beating back a horrible evil witch-org.
The night wore on, all was still and the stars glittered like pinpoints of diamonds with bluish white, intense light focused on just them.
A satellite was the only movement in the sky, traveling across the sky in a consistent arc. Then, it moved rapidly in
another direction, a swirl, no less. Then another star, and another, until that part of the sky had stars swirling around, and stopping
in definate lines. All of a sudden, Calfox realized the lines were becoming letters. A light breeze whispered across his face,
as he read the letters in the sky:
"Sir Calfox - the greater time is at hand. Come quickly" Calfox looked incredulously at the sky. "What the... how the heck am I
supposed to do that? That is nuts...." he thought to himself. The letters faded into blackness of the sky, and Calfox asked aloud,
"Hey, that's impossible. Are you trying to test my IQ, or what? Merlin?" The stars moved again in the night sky, and Calfox read them
aloud. "The....Ti..Time...has....Come. Come quickly. Do not fret.....your time with me...". With that, Calfox frowned at the sky.
"Merlin, now come on, I don't know what to do. Fret? You "fret". In OUR TIME, we don't do that stuff. It's impossible.
Helllllo ?" The letters faded away again, only to swirl and reassemble. The letters finallly read: "CALFOX, IN OUR TIME,
YOU WILL BE HERE A WEEK - IN YOUR TIME, YOU WILL BE GONE FOR ONLY FIFTEEN MINUTES. HASTE IS OF
GREAT IMPORT". Calfox stood there dumbfound. "I don't have the slightest freakin idea how to go there, and how the bleep
do I go there for a week but only leave here for fifteen minutes. Wait, maybe this isn't Merlin at all. Maybe..."
"Good of you to come, Sir Calfox. The future of your time's people hangs in the balance between hideous evil by the Dark Lord Buttock,
and the goodness and Honor of your people. Calfox wheeled around and looked behind him, and there, amidst the tall, majestic
trees, with the two of them standing in the middle of a wide trail, with two tracks all along it's middle.... was Merlin.
"Merlin...the drawings in the manuscripts I studied in college... how did they know what you looked like?" Merlin, smiled, and
explained, that his image was in drawing from the ancient days, and was copied into the later adventures of King Arthur,
Parsifal, and the rest of the Knights of the Roundtable, over the centures after their time.
Calfox looked all around him, noting that the trees were huge, of great, great age, with thick vines and flowers abounding
every hillside. He then became worried, "Merlin, I must go back. I'm sorry, but if I'm not home by the time my Wife gets back,
I would lose my Honor. You understand, right?" Merlin smiled again and explained to him, that all his time, even a week,
in Merlin's own time, would only amount to almost fifteen minutes back in Calfox's time. "Are you sure, Merlin? That doesn't
seem possible. Time is time, right? How can time be faster here than.... is this more magic, or what?"
Merlin frowned and said, "Calfox, please understand, that the universe is a complicated, magical existence. You won't know this,
but when traveling back in time, your fifteen minutes pass by, while a bit more than a week of our time, passes by. That's the good, you know.
If you were to travel into the future, Your week, however, of your time, is only fifteen minutes in the future. It is a secret law of
the universe, unknown, by all but the most advanced wizards of all time. Quite a secret you must keep, since I had to pass on that
secret to you. Those in your own time will think you many ill things, I think, were you to try to explain it....."
(Continued later)
-
You know how I know you're gay? You play the Wii
-
Actually, that means I'm straight. Because there aren't any gay persons in my personal life,
and the rest of us play WII's.
I'm SORRY, I didn't have time to finish Chapter Five. Be patient.
BTW, Call of Duty III is pretty amazing. I need a cheat to figure out
how to get past the stupid mortar.
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