NFL Humor

[tampadawgs]

@miktoxic said:

wow. you finally learned how to use photoshop.

now we have you posting stoopid threads with dumb pics everyday?

god i can't wait for you to get your pubes, smoke some weed and get laid.

you are killing all the intelligent brain cells i have left.

LOL from ProFootballmock.com

[Tim Couch Pulls Out]

The quality of this forum has dramatically dropped in the past year or so.

[sisky fringo]

that's funny.

i'll take this over nothing any old offseason.

[tampadawgs]

Tom Brady

Hey Church Boy.

HI THOMAS!!!!

So, let’s review what I taught you today in practice.

Okie-dokey!

And Thomas, again, I am SO GRATEFUL to you for taking this time to mentor me.

Yeah well, coach says I gotta help “develop” you. So that’s what I’ll do.

Bless your heart!

You remember what I’ve taught you so far?

YES! That I need to keep my “Wrongs And Negatives Grade” as low as possible.

That’s right. So did you keep your Wrongs And Negatives Grade low today?

Sure did! I HAVE THE SMALLEST W.A.N.G. ON THE TEAM!!!!

YEAH YA DO!

NO ONE ON THE PATRIOTS HAS A SMALLER WANG THAN ME!

That’s great. But you should aim higher than just our team.

You’re right. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I VOW TO HAVE THE TEENIEST, TINIEST LITTLE WANG IN THE WHOLE DARN NFL!!!!

THAT’S THE SPIRIT.

Thomas, you are so kind to help me like this.

The pleasure is all mine, trust me.

Now do you remember what else I taught you?

That I should be detail oriented! Pay attention to everything, and take lots of organized notes.

Exactly. And why should you do that?

Because I want to be the most anal player I can be?

SAY IT LOUDER!

I WANT TO BE ANAL! ANAL! ANAL!

That’s right. You’re gonna let the spirit of organization and efficiency flow right through you, right?

YES! YES! I WANT TO BE SO ANAL THAT I CAN FEEL IT DEEP, DEEP INSIDE OF ME!

PRETTY SOON, THEY’LL BE CALLING ME TIM TEBOW, THEKING OF ANAL!!!

If I can help it, they sure will.

Thank the Lord I have such a generous teacher as you.

Hey, anything for a teammate, bud. After all, there’s going to be LOTS of competition for roster spots during training camp.

Gosh! What do you think I need to do to secure my spot on the team?

Well, first of all, you might have to beat off the 3 or 4 other QBs vying for backup roles.

Then I will, Thomas, I will. I’LL BEAT OFF AS MANY QUARTERBACKS AS I HAVE TO!!!

But it won’t just be QBs competing for your roster spot. There’s gonna be DBs, linemen, kickers, WRs. Lots of players.

I’LL BEAT THEM ALL OFF!!! I’LL BEAT OFF THE WHOLE DARN TEAM IF I HAVE TO!!!!

I’m so proud of how well you’ve learned your lessons.

You know Thomas, I have to confess: there was a time that I thought that maybe you didn’t like me.

(gasp) What? You’re my boy. Of COURSE I like you. Why else would I share the “secret quarterback audible code sheet” with you?

Oh, and I do appreciate it so much, truly.

Though I admit that some of these codes seem awfully complicated.

Nonsense. They’re easy. Here, let’s try a pop quiz:

It’s 3rd and long, and the defense is showing a corner blitz. So what do you yell to the slot receiver?

Um, “Hey big boy, I sure would love you to toss my salad.”

EXACTLY. That tells him to run a slant straight across the middle.

I still don’t understand the reference though.

It’s old quarterback jargon. Don’t worry about it. Now suppose you’re at the line, and the middle linebacker’s covering your TE. What’s the audible?

I know this. It’s that goat one.

You have to say it so I know you’ve learned it properly.

I love to blow goats.

YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD. SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN OPPOSING STADIUMS!

I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS! I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS!

See, that tells your line to shift to a zone blocking scheme.

Okay, I guess. But what I really don’t understand is that one you told me to yell when the clock’s winding down at the end of the half.

What’s not to understand? It’s a simple code.

Yes, but is yelling at the top of my lungs, “I’m a bust of a first round draft choice, my career at the University of Florida was a joke, my Heisman Trophy should be melted down and forged into cock rings, I have a limp dick of an arm, and in my spare time I like to gargle used douchewater” really the best way for me to call time out?

Hey, that code was passed down from Red Grange to Sammy Baugh to Johnny Unitas. What, you think you’re better than those Hall of Famers?

No, of course not. It’s just that it seems, you know, kind of specific.

SAY IT.

Sigh.

I’M A BUST OF A FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICE, MY CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA WAS A JOKE, MY HEISMAN TROPHY SHOULD BE MELTED DOWN AND FORGED INTO COCK RINGS, I HAVE A LIMP DICK OF AN ARM AND IN MY SPARE TIME I LIKE TO GARGLE USED DOUCHEWATER!

Yep. That is the PERFECT way for you to call time out in our next game.

How can I ever thank you for this Thomas?

Believe me, just hearing you using these tips at our next game will be all the thanks I need. Especially if it’s nationally televised.

[nickers]

that was fucking hilarious...cool post.

[DieHardBrownsFan]

I couldn't even get past the first paragraph. Too long.

[MLD Woody]

Started funny

Got less funny as the joke got old

Started to get funny again with the first audible

Then it got less funny again

[Zombo]

[The Gipper]

Zombo said:

That is quite funny. Did you notice that Archie Manning bore a strong resemblence to GoldMember?

[Zombo]

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Other Tweets That Aaron Rodgers Probably Regrets

[tampadawgs]

No Jets Players Drafted In New York Jets Fantasy Football League

NEW YORK – After nearly two hours and sixteen rounds worth of picks, the members of the New York Jets fantasy football league completed their official 2013 player draft without selecting one single New York Jets player, sources confirmed early today.

“We couldn’t believe it,” said center Nick Mangold. “When the draft was over, we were all comparing our rosters. I was feeling pretty good about my team because I got Tom Brady at QB, C.J. Spiller at RB, and Dez Bryant as my WR. Then all of a sudden, Santonio Holmes said, ‘Hey, didn’t any of you guys pick me?’ We all just kind of looked at each other and shrugged. That room was dead silent man.”

“So we all started going through our selected player lists, and sure enough, no Jets,” continued CB Antonio Cromartie. “I had the first overall pick, so I course I took Adrian Peterson. Then in rounds two and three I grabbed Aaron Rodgers and Lamar Miller. Maybe I might’ve taken (Jets RB Chris Ivory) in the middle rounds if he wasn’t injured. But there’s no one else on the New York offense that appealed to me.”

“I drafted Drew Brees in the second round as my primary QB,” said Mark Sanchez. “Later on, I was considering drafting myself in round 13 as a backup. But then I saw that Christian Ponder of the Vikings was still available, so I picked him instead. Just because, you know, his starting position is more secure.”

“Last year, I had Shonne Greene, Dustin Keller, and the Jets defense on my team, and I came in dead last,” said head coach Rex Ryan. “I’m not making that same mistake again. This year I loaded up with Peyton Manning, Ray Rice, and Wes Welker so I’m feeling real good about my team.”

Added Ryan: “Plus, I picked the Tampa Bay defense, and now that they have Darrelle Revis, they should be AWESOME. Championship, here I come!”

[tampadawgs]

[Zombo]

[Zombo]