NFL Humor
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AP-Newswire February 29, 2019
The NFL announced today in the name of parity, the Cleveland Browns will not be awarded any draft picks. Roger Goodell announced that after five straight Super Bowl titles, the NFL feels that the rest of the league should be allowed to catch up to the stunning work the Browns front office has done. Many pundits feel the Steelers and Ravens organizations were behind this big push to level the playing field.
As of print..no response has come from the Cleveland camp.
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Zombo said:
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The Ravens must miss the Karma:
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Sam Kinison describes what Peyton Manning did to the Ravens:
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Fuck ya.
"You planning on having a long relationship with that glass or are you going to drink it? Drink up, man. Maybe we can get another.â - Janis Joplin, 1970. -
Tom Brady
Hey Church Boy.
HI THOMAS!!!!
So, letâs review what I taught you today in practice.
Okie-dokey!
And Thomas, again, I am SO GRATEFUL to you for taking this time to mentor me.
Yeah well, coach says I gotta help âdevelopâ you. So thatâs what Iâll do.
Bless your heart!
You remember what Iâve taught you so far?
YES! That I need to keep my âWrongs And Negatives Gradeâ as low as possible.
Thatâs right. So did you keep your Wrongs And Negatives Grade low today?
Sure did! I HAVE THE SMALLEST W.A.N.G. ON THE TEAM!!!!
YEAH YA DO!
NO ONE ON THE PATRIOTS HAS A SMALLER WANG THAN ME!
Thatâs great. But you should aim higher than just our team.
Youâre right. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I VOW TO HAVE THE TEENIEST, TINIEST LITTLE WANG IN THE WHOLE DARN NFL!!!!
THATâS THE SPIRIT.
Thomas, you are so kind to help me like this.
The pleasure is all mine, trust me.
Now do you remember what else I taught you?
That I should be detail oriented! Pay attention to everything, and take lots of organized notes.
Exactly. And why should you do that?
Because I want to be the most anal player I can be?
SAY IT LOUDER!
I WANT TO BE ANAL! ANAL! ANAL!
Thatâs right. Youâre gonna let the spirit of organization and efficiency flow right through you, right?
YES! YES! I WANT TO BE SO ANAL THAT I CAN FEEL IT DEEP, DEEP INSIDE OF ME!
PRETTY SOON, THEYâLL BE CALLING ME TIM TEBOW, THEKING OF ANAL!!!
If I can help it, they sure will.
Thank the Lord I have such a generous teacher as you.
Hey, anything for a teammate, bud. After all, thereâs going to be LOTS of competition for roster spots during training camp.
Gosh! What do you think I need to do to secure my spot on the team?
Well, first of all, you might have to beat off the 3 or 4 other QBs vying for backup roles.
Then I will, Thomas, I will. IâLL BEAT OFF AS MANY QUARTERBACKS AS I HAVE TO!!!
But it wonât just be QBs competing for your roster spot. Thereâs gonna be DBs, linemen, kickers, WRs. Lots of players.
IâLL BEAT THEM ALL OFF!!! IâLL BEAT OFF THE WHOLE DARN TEAM IF I HAVE TO!!!!
Iâm so proud of how well youâve learned your lessons.
You know Thomas, I have to confess: there was a time that I thought that maybe you didnât like me.
(gasp) What? Youâre my boy. Of COURSE I like you. Why else would I share the âsecret quarterback audible code sheetâ with you?
Oh, and I do appreciate it so much, truly.
Though I admit that some of these codes seem awfully complicated.
Nonsense. Theyâre easy. Here, letâs try a pop quiz:
Itâs 3rd and long, and the defense is showing a corner blitz. So what do you yell to the slot receiver?
Um, âHey big boy, I sure would love you to toss my salad.â
EXACTLY. That tells him to run a slant straight across the middle.
I still donât understand the reference though.
Itâs old quarterback jargon. Donât worry about it. Now suppose youâre at the line, and the middle linebackerâs covering your TE. Whatâs the audible?
I know this. Itâs that goat one.
You have to say it so I know youâve learned it properly.
I love to blow goats.
YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD. SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN OPPOSING STADIUMS!
I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS! I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS!
See, that tells your line to shift to a zone blocking scheme.
Okay, I guess. But what I really donât understand is that one you told me to yell when the clockâs winding down at the end of the half.
Whatâs not to understand? Itâs a simple code.
Yes, but is yelling at the top of my lungs, âIâm a bust of a first round draft choice, my career at the University of Florida was a joke, my Heisman Trophy should be melted down and forged into cock rings, I have a limp dick of an arm, and in my spare time I like to gargle used douchewaterâ really the best way for me to call time out?
Hey, that code was passed down from Red Grange to Sammy Baugh to Johnny Unitas. What, you think youâre better than those Hall of Famers?
No, of course not. Itâs just that it seems, you know, kind of specific.
SAY IT.
Sigh.
IâM A BUST OF A FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICE, MY CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA WAS A JOKE, MY HEISMAN TROPHY SHOULD BE MELTED DOWN AND FORGED INTO COCK RINGS, I HAVE A LIMP DICK OF AN ARM AND IN MY SPARE TIME I LIKE TO GARGLE USED DOUCHEWATER!
Yep. That is the PERFECT way for you to call time out in our next game.
How can I ever thank you for this Thomas?
Believe me, just hearing you using these tips at our next game will be all the thanks I need. Especially if itâs nationally televised.
Tom BradyHey Church Boy.
HI THOMAS!!!!
So, letâs review what I taught you today in practice.
Okie-dokey!
And Thomas, again, I am SO GRATEFUL to you for taking this time to mentor me.
Yeah well, coach says I gotta help âdevelopâ you. So thatâs what Iâll do.
Bless your heart!
You remember what Iâve taught you so far?
YES! That I need to keep my âWrongs And Negatives Gradeâ as low as possible.
Thatâs right. So did you keep your Wrongs And Negatives Grade low today?
Sure did! I HAVE THE SMALLEST W.A.N.G. ON THE TEAM!!!!
YEAH YA DO!
NO ONE ON THE PATRIOTS HAS A SMALLER WANG THAN ME!
Thatâs great. But you should aim higher than just our team.
Youâre right. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I VOW TO HAVE THE TEENIEST, TINIEST LITTLE WANG IN THE WHOLE DARN NFL!!!!
THATâS THE SPIRIT.
Thomas, you are so kind to help me like this.
The pleasure is all mine, trust me.
Now do you remember what else I taught you?
That I should be detail oriented! Pay attention to everything, and take lots of organized notes.
Exactly. And why should you do that?
Because I want to be the most anal player I can be?
SAY IT LOUDER!
I WANT TO BE ANAL! ANAL! ANAL!
Thatâs right. Youâre gonna let the spirit of organization and efficiency flow right through you, right?
YES! YES! I WANT TO BE SO ANAL THAT I CAN FEEL IT DEEP, DEEP INSIDE OF ME!
PRETTY SOON, THEYâLL BE CALLING ME TIM TEBOW, THEKING OF ANAL!!!
If I can help it, they sure will.
Thank the Lord I have such a generous teacher as you.
Hey, anything for a teammate, bud. After all, thereâs going to be LOTS of competition for roster spots during training camp.
Gosh! What do you think I need to do to secure my spot on the team?
Well, first of all, you might have to beat off the 3 or 4 other QBs vying for backup roles.
Then I will, Thomas, I will. IâLL BEAT OFF AS MANY QUARTERBACKS AS I HAVE TO!!!
But it wonât just be QBs competing for your roster spot. Thereâs gonna be DBs, linemen, kickers, WRs. Lots of players.
IâLL BEAT THEM ALL OFF!!! IâLL BEAT OFF THE WHOLE DARN TEAM IF I HAVE TO!!!!
Iâm so proud of how well youâve learned your lessons.
You know Thomas, I have to confess: there was a time that I thought that maybe you didnât like me.
(gasp) What? Youâre my boy. Of COURSE I like you. Why else would I share the âsecret quarterback audible code sheetâ with you?
Oh, and I do appreciate it so much, truly.
Though I admit that some of these codes seem awfully complicated.
Nonsense. Theyâre easy. Here, letâs try a pop quiz:
Itâs 3rd and long, and the defense is showing a corner blitz. So what do you yell to the slot receiver?
Um, âHey big boy, I sure would love you to toss my salad.â
EXACTLY. That tells him to run a slant straight across the middle.
I still donât understand the reference though.
Itâs old quarterback jargon. Donât worry about it. Now suppose youâre at the line, and the middle linebackerâs covering your TE. Whatâs the audible?
I know this. Itâs that goat one.
You have to say it so I know youâve learned it properly.
I love to blow goats.
YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD. SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN OPPOSING STADIUMS!
I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS! I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS!
See, that tells your line to shift to a zone blocking scheme.
Okay, I guess. But what I really donât understand is that one you told me to yell when the clockâs winding down at the end of the half.
Whatâs not to understand? Itâs a simple code.
Yes, but is yelling at the top of my lungs, âIâm a bust of a first round draft choice, my career at the University of Florida was a joke, my Heisman Trophy should be melted down and forged into cock rings, I have a limp dick of an arm, and in my spare time I like to gargle used douchewaterâ really the best way for me to call time out?
Hey, that code was passed down from Red Grange to Sammy Baugh to Johnny Unitas. What, you think youâre better than those Hall of Famers?
No, of course not. Itâs just that it seems, you know, kind of specific.
SAY IT.
Sigh.
IâM A BUST OF A FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICE, MY CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA WAS A JOKE, MY HEISMAN TROPHY SHOULD BE MELTED DOWN AND FORGED INTO COCK RINGS, I HAVE A LIMP DICK OF AN ARM AND IN MY SPARE TIME I LIKE TO GARGLE USED DOUCHEWATER!
Yep. That is the PERFECT way for you to call time out in our next game.
How can I ever thank you for this Thomas?
Believe me, just hearing you using these tips at our next game will be all the thanks I need. Especially if itâs nationally televised.
worse joke ever.
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