This made me laugh
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F*ck the South. F*ck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the f*cking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we f*cking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the f*cking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were f*cking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the f*cking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the f*ck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and f*cking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those f*cking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for f*cking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their f*cking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. F*ck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being f*cking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the f*cking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so f*cking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your f*cking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your f*cking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a f*cking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your f*cking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal f*cking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherf*cker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s f*cking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own f*cking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a f*cking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you f*cking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s xxxxing Massachusetts, the f*cking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the f*cking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are f*cking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to f*cking guess? 10 of the top 10 are f*cking red-ass we're-so-f*cking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its f*cking part.
But two guys making out is going to f*cking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we f*cking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're f*cking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us f*cking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the f*cking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is f*cking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your f*cking convention in New York next time. F*ck off.
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