Immortals Review
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Immortals
Relativity Media
R 110 min
Great Caesars ghost.
Gang, I just sat through two hours of the worst film that has fouled the silver screen this year. It happens occasionally but this time I’m really disturbed. Upon checking the web for details I’ve discovered that one Henry Cavill, who, judging from his performance in IMMORTALS, should be banned from acting in anything more prestigious than a Mentos commercial, is slated to be the next Superman. Geez I was just getting over the dread inspired by the possibility that it may have been Nicolas Cage.
Sorry for the outburst.
I suppose you gathered from the first paragraph that found this bowl of rancid stew of Greek Mythology to be a turd of Titanic proportions. Mickey Rourke, dude, I trusted you. I’d planned on seeing J EDGAR, but I was afraid it might bore me. Yikes. I thought surely my man Mickey is back on top and would never agree to a crap script like this one.
Not only that but hey the producers of 300 is one of the selling points. Yes, 300 was pretty striking visually, but apparently these “producers” (possibly utilizing the same financial team that’s been running Greece) hired the feta cheese ball special effects crew. It looked kind of cool for about ten minutes before it got boring. Of course the acting never even showed that ten minute window of hope. Nope. Everyone, and I mean everyone, sucked from the very first line. Yes that includes Rourke, Cavill, Stephen Dorff, John Hurt and everyone else that took a paycheck to appear in this bomb.
The plot? Oh it’s some rubbish about an evil king and some gods and an uprising and someone letting the Titans out of a pit under a mountain and a magic bow and arrow. It really doesn’t matter, since for all its noise and violence this thing is too dull to focus on for more than a minute at a time.
This thing is every bit as bad as the HERCULES stinkers from the 50s but even more despicable since these bums had millions of dollars to spend.
I’m giving it an F plus just because Rourke managed to keep a straight face through the whole thing. I couldn’t help thinking of John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Maybe those were lemons he was eating during nearly every close up.
Terrible acting script and plot folks, this is one of the worst of the year.
F+
WSS
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