My Application For the Browns GM Position

[Osiris]

Submitted for the amusement (or ridicule) of the members of this esteemed forum...(the version on my blog has pretty pictures and is more properly formatted).
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Cleveland Browns

76 Lou Groza Blvd

Berea, OH, 44017

Dear Mr. Haslam,

First let me congratulate you on your (somewhat) recent purchase of the Cleveland Browns football franchise. As a long-time fan, I was overjoyed that the team finally had an owner as passionate about his football team and front-office hiring process as he is about honoring rebates to his valued Pilot Flying J customers. Unfortunately, it appears Joe Banner and Mike Lombardi are failing you in your coaching search and underwhelmed in last year's free-agency signings. While Lombardi has excelled at beating the statistical odds of failure with his draft record, I imagine we'd prefer someone who beats the statistical odds of drafting success.

So rather than waste another year for another 4-win season that will inevitably occur when Lombardi drafts Samus Aran (she's got a cannon for an arm!) at QB and brings in the Super Mario Brothers as our one-two punch from the backfield in the hopes they stomp defensive linemen, I suggest you fire him and replace him with myself. As an avid player of Madden 25, I've won 2 more games with the 2013 Browns than your version of the team, and on the back of a solid free-agency and draft, took my Browns to a 12-4 record and Superbowl Championship in 2014. I followed this with a 10-6 season and division championship, and a 6-1 record to date in 2015.

Before you scoff at my credentials, let me remind you that you expressed interest in bringing in "proven winners." While my virtual GM success may have led to delusions of grandeur, judging by your current front office, it seems this is a core value of the organization, and atleast my virtual success surpasses Mike Lombardi's (a man whose draft board consists of players picked from Tecmo Bowl rosters) real-world efforts. As I understand you may remain unconvinced, allow me to present you with my action plan for leading the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl should you hire me as your general manager.

My last act as GM will be to switch job titles with Assistant GM Ray Farmer, who I assume you recognize as the only member of the front office with a clue and will not allow to depart for the Miami Dolphin's GM job. You know, the Dolphins, that team that withheld the fact that Davone Bess had been hospitalized for mental issues before the Browns traded for him. But before I swap with Farmer, lets re-sign Alex Mack and T.J. Ward, and quick. We'll use that franchise tag for one of them if we have to because there is no sense in opening more holes than our team already has.

Speaking of holes, the first place to start filling them is in free-agency. And speaking again of holes, let's sign somebody that can make some for our running backs (when defenses make contact with them 1.2 yard after the handoff on average, you aren't going to get many yard on the ground). Guard is our weakest position, and we are going to pick up two solid guys if you hire me as your GM, starting with Jon Asamoah. The second guard can be found in the mock draft I have presented below.

Our defensive backfield lacks height, and for that reason I'll aggressively pursue Aqib Talib and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie in free agency to pair up with Joe Haden, which will allow our new head coach (whoever that may be) to move Buster Skrine to the nickel where he excels the most. Pulling either of those cornerbacks from their respective teams will be a tall order, but I'm happy to spend your money to make a go of it, and if that doesn't work, I've got us covered in the draft.

Once we've held Davone Bess, Brandon Weeden, and Greg Little accountable by cutting them, we can start replacing them. While the last two we'll replace in the draft, we'll target Julian Edelman to replace Bess as a slot receiver. If we can't sign him, we can give Josh Cooper a shot as he showed enough in the final games of the season to take a closer look at him.

Now onto the draft. Our biggest needs are at QB, WR, OL, RB and FB on the offensive side, and ILB and CB on the defensive side, so we'll draft accordingly. Below I present you my mock draft to make the best use of the ten draft picks we have in 2014:

Round 1(a): Totally Teddy

Now just hear me out. I know everyone in Berea has a bit of a man-crush on Johnny Football, and if Teddy Twatwater isn't available at the 4th pick, I'm all for picking Manziel or Bortles, but Bridgewater is the complete, highest-reward, least-risk package the Browns need. Why? Because with all due respect, sir, you have a habit of firing your coaches and bringing in new ones. With new coaches are new systems. Manziel may excel in some systems and fail in others. Bridgewater, on the other hand, has the brains and accuracy to excel regardless of the system.

Worried about his weight? One phone call to former Browns lineman and current restaurant proprietor Al Bubba Baker will take care of that. I love me some ribs...nom nom!

Round 1( : Mountain Man

If we are going to invest our first round pick in a QB, we'd better protect him, and who better to do so than the behemoth that is Cyril Richardson? Aside from being a good pass protector, he will plow holes into defensive lines for our third round pick (see below), and he is versatile, having succeeded at both guard and tackle, which gives us options on the offensive line. Want to plug him in at right guard? Sure! Want to shift Mitchell Schwartz to guard and put Richardson at tackle for those bread-and-butter off-tackle runs? You got it.

Oh, and don't be turned off by his last name. If he ends up being a bust, we can always trade him to the Indianopolis Colts for a first round draft pick.

Round 2: The Other Beckham

While your previous owner is likely more enamored with Beckham the futbol player, I present to you the other Beckham, as in Odell Beckham, Jr., the outstanding wide receiver from LSU. This fast and shifty wide-receiver is a perfect complement to the long and lean Josh Gordon to provide our team with receiving threats at all levels of the field.

Round 3(a): The Middle Men

With D'qwell Jackson aging and Chris Robertson showing all the covering abilities of a lace blanket, we need to turn our attention to the middle linebackers. Assuming we can renegotiate Jackson's contract and keep him around for a couple more years, we can just focus on drafting an athletic cover linebacker. Fortunately for us, there are two guys projected at the second or third round that fit the bill: FSU's Christian Jones and UCONN's Yawin Smallwood. Despite his 6'4" and 234 pound frame, Jones covers so well that FSU actually lined him up against Sammy Watkins on occasion. He also separates well from blockers to make tackles.

As a more typical run-stopping linebacker, Smallwood could be a solid eventual replacement for Jackson. He has the speed and quickness to cover well (with proper coaching) and fill Robertson's role until Jackson retires, transitions to a backup role, or leaves the Browns entirely, at which point we could look for another cover linebacker in future drafts.

Round 3(a): Paging Dr. Jekyll...

At 6'0 and 236 pounds, Carlos Hyde possesses the frame to hammer through the holes made for him by Cyril Richardson and play hard-nosed AFC North football. As an OSU prospect, he'll be comfortable running the ball between the tackles come the December frost. With 31 touchdowns over his last two college seasons, he certainly has a nose for the endzone, something Browns running backs lacked in 2013. If we bring back Dion Lewis, Edwin Baker, and Chris Ogbonnaya, we'll be able to change the pace of the running game and make use of them in the passing game as well.

Round 4(a): The "Don't Put Your Eggs In One Basket" Pick

With this pick, we'll want to pay attention to the QBs that remain on the board. While I'm confident in Bridgewater, the QB position is the most important position in all of football (and I daresay all of team sports), and therefore warrant spending multiple assets at the position. This is the spot to pick up a promising developmental QB. Some names to look for, if they are still available, are Tajh Boyd, Aaron Murray, David Fales, and Jimmy Garappolo.

Round 4(a): Baptizing the Secondary

As I mentioned in my free-agency discussion, bringing in one of those tall cornerbacks from Denver or New England is going to be tough to pull off. Therefore we pick up Stanley Jean-Baptiste, the 6' 3" cornerback from Nebraska. He's been compared to Richard Sherman (sans the interview tirade) and showed up at the Senior Bowl, returning an interception for a touchdown. He may take some time to develop, but Skrine did well enough in 2013 that we could stand to take that time, especially if we can improve the pass rush.

Round 5: He's No Wall Flower

At at 6’4” 260lbs, Rob Blanchflower out of my neck of the woods (UMASS) has good size for the position he plays. Though he is a good route-runner with decent speed and agility, he's of real interest to the Browns because of his good blocking skills, something that the team could really use at tight end to compliment Jordan Cameron's phenomenal ability as a receiving tight end.

Round 6 You Can't Cope With Copeland

During the regular season, the Browns tried to compensate for the lack of a bruising fullback by lining up Billy Winn in the backfield. That didn't pan out so well, but J.C. Copleand, the 6' 270 pound fullback from LSU will. He runs a 4.77 in the 40 which is pretty fast for a man his size, but we'll be bringing him in to lead block for our running backs and to work those short yardage situations.

Round 7: Let's Kick It

I'm not picking Cairo Santos just because his first name is my birth city. With ten picks in this draft, we can afford to spend one to get one of the best kickers in college. In 2012, he hit 26 of 27 PATs and all 21 of his field goal tries, including one from 57 yards (would he have hit the field goal at the end of the game vs. the Patriots that Billy Cundiff missed?) For his efforts he won the Lou Groza Award for the nation's best place kicker, so it only seems fitting he'd follow in the award's namesake's steps and join the Browns.

Mr. Haslam, I've presented you with a sound strategy for free-agency and drafting to fill the biggest holes in this team. Now that you've finally found a head coach, one that Mike Lombardi couldn't come out in the press conference to help present to the team. The fans seem generally pleased with this hire, so lets please them again. Fire Lombardi and hire me as the new General Manager of the Cleveland Browns.

Sincerely,

Osiris Dawg

Owner, CEO, GM, Assistant GM, Head Coach, Offensive Coordinate, Defensive Coordinator, Position Coach, & Water Boy of the 2013-2016 Virtual Cleveland Browns

[Westside Steve]

That was a nice read bud.

WSS

[Nuckin Futz]

^^^^

[hish747]

Awesome...just awesome. More thoughtful than anything the current front office put ever together.

[The Gipper]

You lost me at 'Hello'.

[Osiris]

@westside-steve said:

That was a nice read bud.

WSS

@hish747 said:

Awesome...just awesome. More thoughtful than anything the current front office put ever together.

Thanks guys!

@the-gipper said:

You lost me at 'Hello'.

I didn't use the word hello once. So I guess you read the whole thing! Thanks!

[paul warfield]

great post

[calfoxwc]

Very excellent post, Os. And I note that you got these same guys in your draft as I did

(must be a sign)

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Round 2: Odell Beckham, Jr.

Round 3(a): The Middle Men

FSU's Christian Jones and UCONN's Yawin Smallwood.

[The Gipper]

@osiris said:

Thanks guys!

I didn't use the word hello once. So I guess you read the whole thing! Thanks!

Just messing with you in order to paraphrase the old Jerry McGuire line.

[MasterDog]

Good job.

[Osiris]

@calfoxwc said:

Very excellent post, Os. And I note that you got these same guys in your draft as I did

(must be a sign)

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Round 2: Odell Beckham, Jr.

Round 3(a): The Middle Men

FSU's Christian Jones and UCONN's Yawin Smallwood.

Yep, I'd be very excited to see the Browns draft one of those guys, which means it is extremely unlikely to happen. We may disagree on politics, but at least we agree on football, eh?