@dencyguy said:
I'm sure that's the reason the Browns haven't been able to beat the Steelers.
Dan Rooney: (Whispering into the phone) Alright, what do you have for me?
BDT (Browns Deep Throat): (Looks around furtively, then whispers into the phone) You're going to want to pay me double for this one!
Rooney: Sounds good...as long as we win, I'll take care of you.
BDT: See that you do; remember that those two wins every year are what gives you guys homefield advantage.
Rooney: Enough talk--give me the details. What's the gameplan? What are the team's weaknesses?
BDT: Okay, here we go...the team sucks.
Rooney: What? I watch Sunday Countdown, and I could have told you that.
BDT: Yeah, but they only tell you part of the story...this team sucks in ways that would blow your mind. Players, coaches, front office, they all suck.
Rooney: I said details! I'm not paying you to explain the team in terms that the mouth-breathingest message board troll could understand!
BDT: Okay, here are some details. Follow the money.
Rooney: What?!
BDT: Follow the money...to a #2 receiver who can only run on days that don't have a "y" in them...or to a DE who has been playing two-hand touch since the exhibition games, and a #1 pick LB who gets a sack once every four games or so.
Rooney: (Cautiously) Alright, tell me more...
BDT: Okay, you wanted gameplan details, here are some. The coach is trying to keep it quiet, but he's planning on calling a timeout to decide whether or not it's a good idea to challenge calls, then challenging them anyway. If the team is within thirty points in the fourth quarter, get ready for field goals. Oh, and if Roethlisberger is looking for a leg up, here's a hint about our defensive strategy: they're planning on not rushing the QB, leaving the middle of the field wide open to any and all receivers, and they're putting Terry Cousins out there.
Rooney: Good, good...you're starting to earn your money now. What about the offense?
BDT: Even though Jamal Lewis is averaging about a yard per carry, expect to see him early and often. Don't expect to see the other RBs. If Edwards gets thrown the ball, he's working on some new ways of dropping it--pretty scary stuff. Winslow is someone you should be concerned about, but his arm falls off about the third quarter of every game.
Rooney: But Quinn...what about Quinn?!
BDT: Two words, my man...screen pass.
Rooney: Screen pass?
BDT: Screen pass.
Rooney: My friend, you've outdone yourself this time. Armed with the information that we're playing a team with mediocre talent, lousy coaching, and a dysfunctional front office, we might be able to pull this one out.
BDT: I'm worried, though. What about the fans? I think they're onto me.
Rooney: The fans? The fans? You mean the people who are still pointing to a missed holding call from the 1971 exhibition season as proof of a longstanding, league-wide conspiracy to help the Steelers--with no explanation for why the league would conspire to help one team win for thirty years? With no explanation of how every single other conspiracy ever perpetrated--by individuals or government--has been exposed except this one? Trust me, you don't need to worry your pretty little head about the fans...besides, they're the ones who were caught on tape chanting "Super Bowl" at this year's Browns training camp...do you think anyone is going to take their theories seriously?
BDT: I guess you're right, Big Daddy. Oh, wait, the water on my desk is starting to ripple...I think Mangini is coming! I have to go!
(Click)
Rooney: (To himself) Fools, they'll never know...wait a minute, why am I wasting money bribing a guy who works for a team the Steelers could beat with their JV team? I knew I should have put a plant in the Patriots' offices instead! Oh, well, back to figuring out how to rig the coin toss for the Super Bowl...
Dennis