NFL Humor
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DE PERE, WI – Aaron Rodgers shocked Packers players and coaches when the superstar QB weighed in for training camp today at 375 pounds, a full 150 pounds over his normal playing weight of 225.
Rodgers: “Discount double burrrrppppppp.”
“It’s no big deal. I think it’s probably just water weight,” said Rodgers, while gnawing on a turkey leg in between practice reps at St. Norbert College. “I mean, sure, I might have gained a couple of pounds. But that just means there’s more of me to love, right ladies?”
While Rodgers, who signed a record $110 million dollar contract during the offseason, was dismissive of his enormous weight gain, his coaches and teammates were more than a little concerned.
“I’ve seen it happen before,” said coach Mike McCarthy. “A player gets a huge payday, and they become complacent in their training. Though frankly I’ve never witnessed it occur quite to this extent. My god, I watched him devour an entire honey-glazed ham for breakfast.”
“He’s pretty gross,” echoed defensive tackle B.J. Raji. “I keep telling him, ‘A-Rod, man, you can’t treat your body like this. You need to cool it with the donuts and the chicken wings and the brownies and the double cheeseburgers. At least don’t eat them all at the same meal, dude.’”
Rodgers, however, continues to deny that his added mass is the result of poor dietary habits.
“Look, sometimes our bodies just sort of naturally bulk up, okay? No one really knows why. Is it my system’s way of reacting to the Wisconsin winters? Maybe. Is it nature’s way of buffering me against the collisions of professional football? Could be. Does it have anything to do with the seven deep fried Twinkies covered in hot fudge I ate for dinner last night? Possibly. Unfortunately, medical science isn’t able to answer these questions for us just yet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hit the Golden Corral buffet before they run out of their cheesy bacon potato skins.”
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BEREA, OH – Scandal erupted on the first official day of the team’s training camp when several Cleveland Browns veterans “hazed” a group of rookies by trapping them in a locked film room, forcing them to watch a looped video of the Browns 2012 highlights for more than twenty-five minutes, it was reported today.
The orange blocking dummies would go on to beat the Browns 21-10 in the team’s first scrimmage.
“For God’s sake, let us out!” screamed first round draft choice Barkevious Mingo, one of several new players subjected to the abuse. “This is torture! They just gave up three TDs in one game to Ryan Fitzpatrick. I can’t take any more!”
“I’ve been made aware of the sadistic so-called ‘prank’ played by several of our players on the incoming rookies, and it sickens me to think that anyone could do something as heartless as this to a teammate,” said new Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski in a somber press conference. “Let me emphatically state that the Cleveland Browns organization does not condone this type of behavior. Some of these kids may have suffered permanent trauma just from watching the 0-5 start alone.”
“I understand that many of the rookies are planning to press criminal charges of aggravated assault and infliction of severe emotional distress against the veterans,” added Chudzinski. “Truthfully, I don’t blame them one bit.”
“Highlights”
The Browns 2012 season included a 5-11 record and a below average ranking in every significant statistical category. The team also suffered through a plethora of blown leads, embarrassing turnovers, and generally shoddy play, all of which was represented in the film that was forced upon the rookies.
“What happened to those young Browns players is absolutely unacceptable,” said NFLPA president Domonique Foxworth. “Giving rookies a good-natured ribbing is one thing. But this is just cruel. No one should be subjected to that sort of horrific torture.”
Added Foxworth, “I mean, Weeden threw four picks against the Eagles alone. What kind of inhuman monsters would force someone to watch these so-called ‘highlights?’”
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I enjoy profootballmock.com specially their qb's on facebook page.
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Its not April 1.
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QB on facebook is priceless!!!!
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Good stuff!!!
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wow. you finally learned how to use photoshop.
now we have you posting stoopid threads with dumb pics everyday?
god i can't wait for you to get your pubes, smoke some weed and get laid.
you are killing all the intelligent brain cells i have left.
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wow. you finally learned how to use photoshop.
now we have you posting stoopid threads with dumb pics everyday?
god i can't wait for you to get your pubes, smoke some weed and get laid.
you are killing all the intelligent brain cells i have left.
wow. you finally learned how to use photoshop.
now we have you posting stoopid threads with dumb pics everyday?
god i can't wait for you to get your pubes, smoke some weed and get laid.
you are killing all the intelligent brain cells i have left.
LOL from ProFootballmock.com
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The quality of this forum has dramatically dropped in the past year or so.
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that's funny.
i'll take this over nothing any old offseason.
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Tom Brady
Hey Church Boy.
HI THOMAS!!!!
So, let’s review what I taught you today in practice.
Okie-dokey!
And Thomas, again, I am SO GRATEFUL to you for taking this time to mentor me.
Yeah well, coach says I gotta help “develop” you. So that’s what I’ll do.
Bless your heart!
You remember what I’ve taught you so far?
YES! That I need to keep my “Wrongs And Negatives Grade” as low as possible.
That’s right. So did you keep your Wrongs And Negatives Grade low today?
Sure did! I HAVE THE SMALLEST W.A.N.G. ON THE TEAM!!!!
YEAH YA DO!
NO ONE ON THE PATRIOTS HAS A SMALLER WANG THAN ME!
That’s great. But you should aim higher than just our team.
You’re right. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I VOW TO HAVE THE TEENIEST, TINIEST LITTLE WANG IN THE WHOLE DARN NFL!!!!
THAT’S THE SPIRIT.
Thomas, you are so kind to help me like this.
The pleasure is all mine, trust me.
Now do you remember what else I taught you?
That I should be detail oriented! Pay attention to everything, and take lots of organized notes.
Exactly. And why should you do that?
Because I want to be the most anal player I can be?
SAY IT LOUDER!
I WANT TO BE ANAL! ANAL! ANAL!
That’s right. You’re gonna let the spirit of organization and efficiency flow right through you, right?
YES! YES! I WANT TO BE SO ANAL THAT I CAN FEEL IT DEEP, DEEP INSIDE OF ME!
PRETTY SOON, THEY’LL BE CALLING ME TIM TEBOW, THEKING OF ANAL!!!
If I can help it, they sure will.
Thank the Lord I have such a generous teacher as you.
Hey, anything for a teammate, bud. After all, there’s going to be LOTS of competition for roster spots during training camp.
Gosh! What do you think I need to do to secure my spot on the team?
Well, first of all, you might have to beat off the 3 or 4 other QBs vying for backup roles.
Then I will, Thomas, I will. I’LL BEAT OFF AS MANY QUARTERBACKS AS I HAVE TO!!!
But it won’t just be QBs competing for your roster spot. There’s gonna be DBs, linemen, kickers, WRs. Lots of players.
I’LL BEAT THEM ALL OFF!!! I’LL BEAT OFF THE WHOLE DARN TEAM IF I HAVE TO!!!!
I’m so proud of how well you’ve learned your lessons.
You know Thomas, I have to confess: there was a time that I thought that maybe you didn’t like me.
(gasp) What? You’re my boy. Of COURSE I like you. Why else would I share the “secret quarterback audible code sheet” with you?
Oh, and I do appreciate it so much, truly.
Though I admit that some of these codes seem awfully complicated.
Nonsense. They’re easy. Here, let’s try a pop quiz:
It’s 3rd and long, and the defense is showing a corner blitz. So what do you yell to the slot receiver?
Um, “Hey big boy, I sure would love you to toss my salad.”
EXACTLY. That tells him to run a slant straight across the middle.
I still don’t understand the reference though.
It’s old quarterback jargon. Don’t worry about it. Now suppose you’re at the line, and the middle linebacker’s covering your TE. What’s the audible?
I know this. It’s that goat one.
You have to say it so I know you’ve learned it properly.
I love to blow goats.
YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD. SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN OPPOSING STADIUMS!
I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS! I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS!
See, that tells your line to shift to a zone blocking scheme.
Okay, I guess. But what I really don’t understand is that one you told me to yell when the clock’s winding down at the end of the half.
What’s not to understand? It’s a simple code.
Yes, but is yelling at the top of my lungs, “I’m a bust of a first round draft choice, my career at the University of Florida was a joke, my Heisman Trophy should be melted down and forged into cock rings, I have a limp dick of an arm, and in my spare time I like to gargle used douchewater” really the best way for me to call time out?
Hey, that code was passed down from Red Grange to Sammy Baugh to Johnny Unitas. What, you think you’re better than those Hall of Famers?
No, of course not. It’s just that it seems, you know, kind of specific.
SAY IT.
Sigh.
I’M A BUST OF A FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICE, MY CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA WAS A JOKE, MY HEISMAN TROPHY SHOULD BE MELTED DOWN AND FORGED INTO COCK RINGS, I HAVE A LIMP DICK OF AN ARM AND IN MY SPARE TIME I LIKE TO GARGLE USED DOUCHEWATER!
Yep. That is the PERFECT way for you to call time out in our next game.
How can I ever thank you for this Thomas?
Believe me, just hearing you using these tips at our next game will be all the thanks I need. Especially if it’s nationally televised.
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I couldn't even get past the first paragraph. Too long.
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Started funny
Got less funny as the joke got old
Started to get funny again with the first audible
Then it got less funny again
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Zombo said:
That is quite funny. Did you notice that Archie Manning bore a strong resemblence to GoldMember?
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